underneath the stars
I'll wait for you darling.

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Friday, July 25, 2008
Camp Song
9:26 PM


I'm a Pink toothebrush
You're a Blue toothbrush
Won't you marry me today!
I'll be true to you
True to you, Toothbrush
and we'll both share the same tooth paste!

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Sunday, July 6, 2008
9:08 PM

It's not fair.
It's not fair when i go in through the doors of that nursing home and see my grandmother just sitting there staring at nothing.
It's not fair how frail she looks and how vacant her gaze is.
It's not fair that i always have to introduce myself to her, as if this is the first time we've ever met.

It's not fair how this disease took all her memories away.
It's not fair having to see my mother try and get grandma to remember me.
It's not fair that the only reason i still keep visiting her is out of guilt.
Because to me that woman in there is nobody. My grandmother was fun loving and kind. she use to take us garage sale shopping in her giant gold suburban. She use to remember my name.
but now she just sits and stares. On occasion we'll come to visit and she have some flicker of memory where she'll say "Oh Samantha, how is school going" and my mom's eyes would light up with false hopes that she might actually remember things, but when i go to answer her question she's already gone back into her shell.

It's not fair having to watch her get sicker, and paler, and so thin she might break.
Now she's at the point where she doesn't even say anything. When she tries all that comes out is a mumble. It's like my grandmother's spirit is trapped inside a decrepit body by this disease. Her spirit keeps trying to get through with a sudden memory or word but the disease is slowly closing off all exits. Soon she'll be nothing but a hollow shell of a body that use to have so much life.

It's not fair having to watch my grandfather cry. He used to be so strong in our eyes, an unbreakable man, but he is now crumbling to reveal the weak old man that he has become. He loved my grandma and it's tearing him apart to see her fading away like this.
Now here I sit, as my mom tells me the worse thing imaginable: grandma is not going to make it till Christmas.

And as bad as it sounds all i can think is "she isn't dead yet" and i know it seems harsh and cruel but i just can't think of that body as my grandmother. So to me it's like she's already dead and she has been for a long time.

but also i feel kind of relieved because even though she will be leaving us she may at least be free of that wrinkled body that cages her. And I'm not the religious type but if there is a heaven I'm sure she'll be welcomed with open arms and in heaven i know she will regain her memories and i think that is a better existence then the one she is stuck in right now. And in my mind i hope she is set free.

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